Thrusday, July 28th 2010.

Not many things have been going on today. I was in a a good mood until I got a text from my boyfriend that said "Ashley talk to me?" One; My name isn't Ashley & Two; He promised not to talk to that fucking whore.
>.< It hurt, a lot. And it still does... I mean, she "loves" him & I'm just some girl who happens to have his heart and what not. All she has is the beautiful slim body and tits. Me? I'm just some fatass girlfriend of his who has a lot of love to give and is giving it to him. -__- Ugh. I really hope he doesn't keep talking to her. It would kill me.

Alyssa Smith.

She is my best friend. And she is the only person I can trust, mainly. Yeah, I trust my boyfriend but not with the things I trust with her. Now, I'm writing this because tonight she told me she didn't feel loved, and she is. I love her, as a person. She's sweet, kind, funny, and smart. She's not beautiful, or gorgeous, she's beyond it. She just doesn't understand that there is people in the world who think she's completely awesome, cool, understanding, smart, genuine, beautiful, and outgoing. Yeah, she doesn't have a boyfriend, and I'm sort of glad. No, I'm not glad she hasn't found love or anything, but I'm glad she has never been hurt by being in a relationship. She's so fragile and I'd hate to see her sad. I already do see her sad, because he crush doesn't like her. -__- Alyssa is completely amazing beyond all words. She's completely undescribable. She doesn't see the potential she has. I want her to realize, she IS loved. And she forever will be. For as long as she's my best friend.

Random Shit About Me.

- I can sing pretty well when I'm trying.
- I can't dance for shit.
- I've lost friends who were close to me.
- I try to stay away from drama but it hunts me down like a cop.
- I have a boyfriend.
- I have a best friend.
- I'm a proud fan of Fall Out Boy.
- I get sick easily.
- I love watching movies.
- I write poetry.
- I used to skateboard.
- I text a lot.
- I'm always cold.
- I hate being in big crowds.
- I love looking at the stars late at night.
- I'm very blunt.
- I can't show how I feel towards love, or even explain it to the person I love to death.
- I peel the skin off my grapes before I eat them.
- I'm 15, but I'm more mature than that.
- I have a lot of ambitions I would like to succeed at, but too young to even bother right now.
- I think way to much.
- When I open up to someone, I usually cry.
- I believe in love.
- I believe in God.
- My idol has died this year, and I need her more then ever. (R.I.P Maxine Funkhouser. Grandma, I love you.)
- I have a short temper.
- I get annoyed easily.
- My favorite color is purple.
- My favorite animal is a penguin.
- I'm very sarcastic, it isn't funny.
- I don't pay attention is any class, I doodle.
- I'm very observant about people.
- I hate my smile.
- I love my laugh.
- I have the voice and laugh of a little girl.
- People hate me.
- I hate people.
- I have a tendency of stuttering.
- I hate meeting new people.
- I'm extremely shy.
- When I'm in a huge crowd or even a class room, I don't talk. I just listen.
- I'm not afraid to stand up for myself.
- I'm aggressive when angry or sad.
- I have depression.
- I have schizophrenia.
- I have a short attention span.
- I fall fast, and hard.
- My favorite band is The Used.
- I love wrist bands, I only wear single wrist bands on my right arm.
- I'm a cutter.
- I'm not emo.
- I hate being labeled.
- I love soup.
- I've been addicted to Dairy Queen lately.
- I've never felt this way about anyone else.
- He's my first boyfriend, my first kiss.
- I don't trust many, or any.
- I'm messy.
- I'm a pig when I eat, fuck it.
- I love sad, love, hard rock, metal, screamo, and mellow songs.
- I have puppy that is vicious.
- I enjoy reading.
- I color a lot.
- I can express my feelings in writting.
- I take things out on people who don't deserve it, and I'm sorry.
- I'm hypocritical.
I'm someone who wishes she can change most of these things.
- I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.
- I'm not worth anyones love.
- I don't deserve the things I get.
...Me. Deal with it.

"Will You Marry Me"

The words he spoke today made my heart beat faster. " I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your beauty. I don't deserve your love. I can't make you happy." But he does. He really does. "I don't deserve you, I'm not good enough for you. You're perfect for me. Marry me?" I said "No. Because we don't know what we're doing." And he said " Babe. Marry me?" Then I said "Yes. But we don't know what we're doing." And he said "Yeah we do. We're engaged. We're going to get an apartment or a condo. Have a 15 foot pool and then get married. After we get married, I'm going to carry you to that room, and kiss you. Then kiss you again. And kiss you again. Sooner or later we'll have two beautiful children and you'll be a great mother. How does that sound? With you, everything will be perfect. You're perfect for me. I love you." Although I said no the first time, he made me believe all these things could, and possibly will happen. I don't know why, but I do believe he actually loves me. I believe he means every word he says to me. I may be attached, and I may be falling hard too fast. But I fucking love this kid to death, and I'd do anything to protect him. I just thought I'd make a blog. I've had very good days lately, I wonder how long my happiness is going to last. Michael has a HUGE part in my smiles lately.

10.07.09 Lets Make This Last Forever, Shall We? ♥

Morning Of Today.

Michaels coming to pick me up and we're going to hang out today. I'll clean tomorrow.
'Nuff said.

AnyoneWannaKnowWhatIStillLove?

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael Razzario Rovatuso Minneci.<3 >

Something that I will always keep in my heart and mind that I promised him is " Till Death Due Us Part."

FuckingHateLove.

I feel so crushed. Like a car ran me over twice, a bus fell on top of me after, and nothing is broken by my heart. The reason for the last blog is because I found out a lot of things Ashley said to my boyfriend. I broke up with him. I found pictures of her naked, text messages saying I love you and shit. I can't help it. I mean, I took him back. But I feel like I hate myself. I feel like I should just leave him be and come back when I think he isn't going to hurt me anymore. Every time I look into his beautiful brown eyes, I see hurt. I see destroy. I see tears. I see me...-crushed.- Being obsessed, being attached; it's all new to me. I seriously haven't felt this way before. Maybe because yes, he is my first real boyfriend. Yes, I believe I LOVE him. I can't be with anyone else, I've tried it with this so called "Alex" guy who isn't real. Getting played isn't cool. -__- I just... I don't know. I think I'm done for good. "His tears don't fall, they crash around me." I can't let that quote come true. All I know is, I think I need to get over him. I think I just need some time apart to realize that he can't get away with hurting me all the fucking time. This HAS happened before but... this time, it didn't hurt. It killed.

FuckMeSideWays

The most sweetest boy and I broke up today.

....Yet, I still wonder if I want to give him another chance.

Lets see what my mind wonders about tomorrow, and the next day.

]:

Lies,Friends&Smoothies.

The lies and friends connect easily. I don't mean to put this public or anything but only a few people who are close to me read my blog. None of my family members or anything. But my friend Cheyenne told me something a couple weeks ago. Something that made me think twice about my boyfriend. She said last summer my boyfriend raped her. And she was scared because he had a knife in his pocket. (Yes, he always does) But I don't know if I really believe it. Because I know her and her mom are close and she would have told someone, I know she would have, and she should IF it's true. Which I highly doubt. But who knows because he says it's not. But she can be convincing. I'm sorry Chey - If you're reading this- but what I'm going to say next is going to be kind of harsh. I sometimes think she just wants attention, because she doesn't get enough. I just don't know who to believe because he did have a girlfriend last summer. Whom hates me. /: Doesn't really matter but I don't want to talk about that two-timing whore. It's just... What Cheyenne tells me is always in the back of my mind every time I see him. That's what has been on my mind the most lately, and it's really starting to piss me off not knowing who to believe. I guess it's just something I'll have to live with. Another thing about friends is... My best friend Alyssa just got back from a long trip. I've missed her so much! I've been having Alyssa withdraws. It wasn't fun not having someone to talk while a bunch of stuff happened, but I guess I can tell her everything once she comes over. I have so much to spill, so many things that have been on my mind. -__- I had the best smoothie. It was strawberry.(: Just saying.

Again, She Thinks.

As I sit here in the living room at 5 Am in the morning of no sleep, still thoughts go through my head. I've been sitting in my living room since midnight and all I've been doing is watching things on the tv that have to do with love. Makes me think how happy I am to have someone who loves me in my life. Yet, I feel like he deserves so much more. I feel like I can't handle it. I feel like I should just break it off and see what happens without him, would things go back to normal or would I date someone else? I don't want to date someone else, but I do just want to do this little experiment. Then I think, it could ruin everything I have with him. Even if he says he loves me so much and can't live without me. If I do that "experiment" would he go back with Payton? Would he find someone new? I want him, then I don't think I can do it. Wanna know why? Because I'm honestly terrified of love. That's the honest to God truth. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of getting attached, I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared of being A L O N E. I've gotten hurt before, and I'm pretty sure I can mend that on my own, but getting attached; it's new to me. I've never felt like this before. (If you read my previous blogs, you'd know. I'm not going into detail.) No matter how cliche or stupid it sounds, it's true. I am scared of losing him, it's like he's a drug. I just want more and more. Being alone? Ha, that's never new to me. But having someone who loves me for nine months in my whole life, feeling like I can't leave that person for anything... being alone scares the living shit out of me. Why? I can't answer that, I can't tell anyone else all these things but this blank page on my screen of my laptop. I can't show emotion to anyone else, but just plain paper. The sun is coming up and I'm wondering if my heart can take a break from him or not. My heart is starting to slowly break even though nothing bad is happening, and my mind has no idea why.

A Whiskey Lullaby.

"She put that bottle to her head, and pulled the trigger."

So many things run through my head, and it's consuming me. It's all about Michael. The way he walks, the way he talks, the way he makes me smile. I seriously don't want this to end, ever. But why is it me pushing him away if I have so much love for the kid. Sometimes I just... I just wonder.

And I'll probably edit this later. O:

I Do.

Do you ever feel lost?

Do you ever feel unloved?

Do you ever feel like you're not good enough?

Do you ever feel like you try your hardest but fail?

Do you ever feel like screaming at the top of your lungs?

Do you ever feel like closing your eyes would make all the bad things go away?

Do you ever feel like you won't be anything special to anyone?

Do you ever fell like you should break down?

Do you ever want to jump off a rooftop to see if you can fly?

Do you ever do things that could unexplainable to others?

Do you want something so bad it hurts?

Do you ever just want things and life to just end?

I do.

LetsWatchThisCityBurn.♥

"If I could any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips."

I need a job. I seriously do. I mean yes, I am young but I need MONEY. 'Nuff said.

Wonders.

"I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes. These souls are useless without you. Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue; My soul is useless without you."

I have nothing to do at 4:45 AM in the morning, what shall that be? I guess blogging... I do plan on sleep sometime, but no when it's dark out. Oh, and I hear birds. Want to know what I realized? People all over the world have fallen for me. Ha! I feel cocky saying that, and inconsiderate, so lets pretend I didn't say that. I wonder what today brings. I wonder what time I'm going to get up. I wonder who is going to get into a fight tomorrow. I wonder if I'll go swimming. I wonder if my period will stop. I wonder if I'll get yelled at. I wonder who's going to be coming over. I wonder how long I can ignore someone. I wonder if they'll realize. I wonder who I can trust. I wonder who is going to read this. Maybe Robin, she's read all my posts so far. [: I won't tell her until later today because then she'll read it now and have nothing to read later. Jesse McCartney is playing in my ears, ha. Yes, I listen to him, he makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside! Just kidding, but some of his songs are pretty good. OH MY GOD! I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE DREAM ABOUT. Oh Jesus, I hope Chey isn't dreaming about Collin again. That stupid bastard. I dislike him very much. He hurt her, no crushed. Someone should crush him. I wonder if anyone dreams about me. I know Michael does but that involves other girls, and three-sums and just no. It makes me feel bad. /: Ouch, I have a misquote bite in my knee. Itchy! My dad just left for work, he smells like French whore. O: But his cologne is so intoxicating. My mom wants me to go to bed, arg. I guess I'll go lay down and text Robin and Benji. Gah, she keeps fucking yelling my name. I wish she'd shut up. >.>

Memories, I suppose.

"But.... I wanna get you one of those!" *Pouts.*

"Come on, I look retarded in that one!"

SodaPopAndMixedPopcorn,♥.

I bought a shitload of candy today. But I'll save that for when I go swimming tomorrow, if I go swimming tomorrow. It's 2:45 AM And I can't help but be awake. I have no idea why, but I think I'm gonna be up all night. I like being the only one awake in the house, it feels like I rule it! :P So, I had an interesting conversation with my sister. Just about life, I guess. Okay okay, that's not what's bugging me. What's bugging me that I can't tell Michael how I truly feel. I can put into words, and I can look into a mirror, I can spill my heart about him to anyone else but him. The words just will not come out. I need someone to read how much I am in love with his boy. And this is a conversation I had with my friend Sky.
Me: I just feel like all I do is mess things up. He lies about the littlest things. And that's what pisses me off the most. But I seriously can't lose him I love him so much. It's just... Payton is starting her shit again Sky. You know I can't handle that, you know if she starts a war, I'll lose. I know it I just know it. :l Skylar, he means EVERYTHING to me. He doesn't think he's perfect for me. I however think he is. All he does wrong is pull my hair. And he's not very polite. But that's okay. the only thing I don't want to do is hurt him, thats the last thing I want to do. -__- But, I don't want to him to be worried about me and my cutting. It's nothing he should worry about because I promised not to do anything, and I won't. But he already realized that I'm acting different. He does mean the world to me. He is absolutely perfect. I just don't want to deal with Payton, I can't take it. She's calling him again. And me.
I also wonder if he's cheating... I hate thinking this, but I can't fucking help it.
Oh,and my happy pills...they don't work. My depression medication, doesn't work. I'm trying so hard to be happy, and to keep him happy. I can't do it.
Sky: You'll be okay, you just need to trust him Julz. And you can take it. I know you're probably sick of it, but you can take whatever people throw at you. I know you can.
Me: I can't make him happy Sky, I can't. Why can't I?! I try so hard, I really do and it seems like everything I do is wrong. All I do is fuck things up. I mean, I don't mean to yell at him, and I don't mean to act the way I do towards him because I know it's wrong. But I don't know how to show love, I don't know how to open up to him because I don't think he'll listen. I don't think he would even want to bother listening to what I have to say. He just doesn't understand how bad I need to cut. He won't understand because he won't listen. He'll just make me stop, and I can't. I long for the silver blade, just one last cut. I can't though, I promised. And I'm dedicated to that. I want to tell him everything, how I feel and how I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the words can never come out of my mouth. Maybe I should just get out of his life and let him find a better girlfriend. That's what he needs. Someone who isn't as worthless as me.
Sky: Julz, you aren't wortheless. I fell in love with you in spite of site, and he probably did too. How did you fall in love with him?
Me: That's all you have to ask? How I fell in love with him?! Really, after I typed all that?! Fine. I'll tell you. I fell in love with him with the first words he has ever said to me. "Can I sit next to you?" The look in his eyes, the way he smiled, the way he stuttered when he said it. The way I he walked back to the table. The way he layed his hand on my lap.... That's how. I just, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him at first site. Not highschool I love you, I love you too game. Real love. I can't date anyone else, I can't look at anyone else like I look at him.
Haha, at Homecoming he kept staring at me and all I wanted to do was be like "Stop staring at me and just kiss me already." It was just... connection the first time he touched my hand I had chills down my spine. He is love.
Sky: If he is love then you shouldn't have to worry about if he's cheating. You shouldn't have to think that you're not good enough because clearly, you love him so much in your mind you can't get him out. You just need to talk to him, and I know it's hard for you. But what do you really feel about him?
Me: Good question, long answer. Lots of reading. He is the most amazing, adorable, lovable, sweetest guy I have ever met. He makes me so happy. He makes me beautiful, and loved. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere and to someone. He makes me feel safe when he holds me, he makes me feel like I can get through anything by the touch of his hand. Because holding his hand is like touching his soul. Two souls combined can get you through anything. And he has got me through every bad thing that happened this year. My grandma died, she was my idol... He held me at lunch while I cried. He makes me feel like I can achieve anything I set my mind to. He's the only one who cares, really. He's the only one who doesn't take me for granted. He's the only one who I can speak my thoughts too. Just not the ones about him. He's the only one I can cry in front of unless it's my mom. He's the only one who calms me down. He's the one who makes me feel like I can fly when he kisses me, the one who makes my heart beat fast when he tells me he loves me, the one who sends chills down my whole body when just his index finger touches me. The one who knows my body more than I do. The one who I feel comfortable around. And the one where I can just be myself with no judgement. He is all that I want and need. He is all I dream about. I've written more poems about him the matter of three months then I could write in a year. He's all think about, night and day. All night, I just wish he would be the person laying next to me. He's the face I want to wake up to every morning but can't because he's not allowed to sleep over. He's the person who I just want to keep forever... He's the only person I have ever felt this much love and passion for in my whole life. I am head over heels for this boy.
This kid named Avery kissed me one day, and do you know what I felt? NOTHING. Because only I can feel something when I kiss Michael. I can't feel that with anyone else, I'm taken. And I truly do love this boy with all my heart.
Sky: Aw, Julz honey, are you going to be okay?
Me: Maybe, possibly. Wanna know something?
Sky: What's that?
Me: I'm proud to call him my boyfriend.
Sky: Why's that?
Me: Because he's my golden Willy Wonka ticket. My pink pearl. My four leaf clover, he's my miracle. He's mine and I'm proud of it.
He's my beautiful angel. If god exists then he's the evidence. I dont even deserve his beauty.
Sky: Why are your words so heartbreaking and breathless?
Me: I have no idea.[: Is it bad? I mean, I even thanked God for him. I've thanked God because I have him and he's perfect and I love him so much. He doesn't know this but I bless him every night. Pray that nothing bad happens while he's sleeping or nothing bad happens to him the next day. Skylar never answered back to that, but I'm glad I got most of it out. But lastly, I'd like to say... Michael if you're reading this; (Other people should too, because I want to know what everyone thinks.) I've never felt this way with anyone else, and I'm glad I can feel this way with you. Because of you, there's a reason for living, there's a chance to be happy, there's a beginning of something new. I never believed in love, but now I found a reason to believe, and it's you. It took a question, a look and a never ending conversation to start forever. I thank you for everything you've told me, and everything you promised. Without you here, I honestly would be nothing. You're the only person who has made me smile in the past year, and the only one to convince me there's such thing as happiness. You may be 2 years older than me and graduate sooner where I won't be able to see you as often, but that doesn't stop me from loving you. I get distracted whenever we talk, I ignore everything surrounding me. You've never left mind, ever since September Twenty Second Two Thousand and Nine. I can't lie, I feel like you're the right one for me. I never thought having a relationship could feel this good. You're perfect, you're beyond everything and more, even if you disagree, you honestly are.. I promise you. I don't want to lose you anytime soon, cos I don't know where I'd be without you. When we started talking, it was a bad time for me.. but you really did change that. I went through a lot and I was never able to think that there was such thing as being happy, and it was a miracle that you came into my life. Now I can believe there's happiness, I can believe there's love in this world, I can believe I have you, and that's all I'll ever need. This may seem cheesy to you, and a little over the top, but I just wanted to express my feelings. Whenever I think
of you, I have that feeling where I just want to cry. It's not from being sad, it's from you giving me a chance to realize what I have at this moment, and that I should enjoy life.. with you in it. I love being in your arms. I feel safe, I feel guarded, all my fears fade away. We can talk for hours without having a dull moment, and that makes me smile. If you haven't noticed yet, I get really darn happy when I'm with you. I giggle uncontrollably, I talk a bunch, I keep smiling until my jaw aches. There's not a day that goes by, without me thinking about you. Thoughts travel through my head daily, and it's all about you. Your face, your smile, your voice, your eyes, your amazing personality. I'll never get over this feeling, no matter what. Without a doubt, you're what I've been looking for. I never thought that we'd
end up together, or even becoming friends, but I'm glad we did. I'm afraid of bothering you, I'd hate to annoy you. But if I ever do, let me know. You're my beautiful miracle, my one and only, my rescue, my favorite boy, my forever and always. I care about you a lot, and I'd never want to see you get hurt. Even though you've had a lot of bike accidents, I hope that doesn't happen near the future! You told me I'll get to have you as long as I want, until the day I'm done.. but I'll never be done with you, I'll always want to be with you. Where ever I'm at, where ever I'll go, you'll forever be in my heart. You're my weakness, but you give me strength. I need you like the blood in my veins. Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was my choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.

L-O-V-E.

I hate seeing people get hurt. I hate getting hurt. Out of all honesty, Michael is my first boyfriend. Yes, I have been in love before... but not the love I have for him. See, I used to talk and hang with this kid named Charlie for awhile. And he was my best guy friend. I never actually dated him, but we always said we loved each other. We acted like we dated even... but It never happened. Never once had a kiss, never once held hands. If it was a kiss it was on the cheek because we didn't want to date anyone so when people asked us out we pretended to date each other. In that time, I actually fell in love, he fell in love but he had to move. He moved to PA. Before he moved we both did something we thought could be right and ended out not to be, because we weren't ready and didn't feel comfortable after. We had sex. After we did that, we both felt like it was wrong, like we shouldn't have. So we made a truce and said that if we both thought that it was wrong it didn't count. Clearly, I never had sex until Michael came around. In my mind, but a couple months into it I told him I have had sex before and he wasn't the first. He doesn't know the whole story about it. The past month I told him he is my first boyfriend. He seemed shocked. Maybe I shouldn't have told him, I don't know. I'm glad a did. When I look at Michael, I don't see what others do. I see a charming, sweet, funny, intelligent person. I see someone I can be with for the rest of my life, if that happens. I see someone who isn't afraid to tell me what they're thinking, who isn't a complete angel. I'm so glad that he does mess up, I'm glad that he accepts me for who I am. I can say that I have someone who truly cares for me, and wants to marry me someday. I can I feel the same. It's our 9th month day, and we're still rollin'.
What I mean by "I hate when people get hurt, and I hate that I get hurt." Is that... We're all victims of this thing called love. Some people just can't handle it, either. Some don't believe in love because they're scared they'll get hurt. It's understandable, but you do have to rake risks in life. Now, I'm going to talk about a friend of mine who is probably scared to love again because she's been hurt so much, and it's only been one guy who's hurt her. Her name is Cheyenne, and I can honestly say this guy has probably destroyed her. I never once liked him, and for all I care he could rot in hell for the things he's done. He's cheated, he's lied, he went out with one of her closest friends... That's not what guys are suppose to do. He's starting to spread rumors about her in summer school so next year she'll get made fun of for it. I won't let that happen. She's one of my closest friends and she deserves to be happy. She really does, and I hope I'm there to see her grow strong.
My best friend, in the whole entire world, her name is Alyssa. And she's terrified to fall in love. She believes in it, and believes it will happen but she gets so crushed over the littlest things. I'm always there when she can't sleep, and she calls me, I'm there for when she cries, about things that happen in her life. I'm always there. She just believes that no one will love her. That girl has so much love to give, I don't think anyone would ever been good enough for it. I just wish she'd realize that. Me? I used to getting hurt, but yes. I do have people who help me get through it. And that's mainly Alyssa And Cheyenne.

July 6th, 2010.

"A Flash Back to the Past."
No no, this isn't a poem but I guess I have this blog a particular name and because I think I'm going to write more than one blog today, so here it goes; As I look back on this past year I've noticed I've lost olds friends and gained new friends. I've learned I've cried way more than I probably should have. I've realized I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I've realized that someone could actually fall in love with me. I've realized making a Facebook is mainly for my entertainment. I've realized who to trust and who not to. I've realized teachers do care about how you're going to turn out in life. I've realized that family is important. I've realized you can chase after your dreams at a young age. I've realized you have to fail and get back up to be good at something. I've realized a lot of things. I've realized things about my own self to be honest.
Old friends and new friends; I've lost Tamie, Gianna, Giandra, and Rebecca. Why? All for mainly different yet same reasons. Tamie: I thought this girl could be my best friend, I was wrong. I said one thing to her boyfriend and she dumps me. Like I'm a piece of shit. They broke up for like 5 fucking minutes, and he asked me how I truly felt about it. I said "I think Tamie deserves better, to be honest." And he flips out on me, and shit. Come on. Just because I said that she stopped being my friend. /: I guess I do everything wrong now. He hates me and so does she. Oh and they are still together. I wonder if she knows he's a LIAR. Because that guy fucked my boyfriends ex and he told Tamie he was a virgin. Ha. Fucking people. Gianna and Giandra: Because they don't like Michael. I guess they really don't care about me. I guess they just don't see that I'm happy. Yes, Michael comes with drama but he does mean a lot to me. I still do want to be their friends but I they don't care. Rebecca: We drifted, I guess that's all. She's not really a "friend" anymore. Yeah, we hung out once this summer, no twice. But not really friends, I hope we get back on track. But losing those friends made me see who is actually important in my life, and who can actually be worthy of being a friend to me. I've gained friends I didn't know I was capable of being compatible with. What I mean is, I grew stronger with people I had no idea I could be friends with. For instance; Robin, Chey, Dan, DanL, Helen, and Sam. Robin: She has been a friend. She's there to talk to. She's there to hang with, although we haven't really hung out. She's just so sweet and I believe her word on anything. Chey: I've known Chey for a while. But Freshman year is where I got to know her most, and hang out with her. Talk to her about my true feelings about life. To know someone who is like me makes me feel safe. Dan: 'GangbangerDan' He makes me laugh, and hanging out with him is kind of awkward but he's cool. He's a cool guy who is full of knowledge. Helen: She's my little ninja, and I know I can count on her for anything. Sam: He's someone I met over the internet, and he is pretty cool. I can talk to him although, I think don't think we're friends anymore because 1. He doesn't talk. Even though he probably is busy. 2. Mike doesn't like that he talks to me so it's okay.
Depression and anxiety I've had it my whole life but it's been bad this whole year. Basically because of stress. And that's coming from all the things that happened. Grandma dying, Payton's shit, friends, just drama I suppose. It's like I can't take alot, yes I do cut but I haven't because I promised Michael I wouldn't. >.< So I pop pills, happy pills. [: Although, they don't work.
People can fall in love with me: I mean, Michael. He's just...wow. His love blows me away. I'm gonna narrow it down to this: If God exists then he's the evidence.<3 Trust: I'm trusting no one these days. Because I can't really tell anyone anything or else they tell someone. /: Trust isn't real. Without the teachers I had in this school year then I'd be no where. What I mean in fail and try, try again is that my poems have been really suck-ish. And I've been trying to make them better. [: I never really finished this blog and I don't really think I will, so I'm going to leave it at that and write a whole different one.

July 5th, 2010.

Wow.
My family.... is..... weird.
Nuff said.

May 19th, 2010.

Today I felt positive. Like nothing wrong could go wrong, but something did. Just one thing and I almost let this one thing get the best of me and kick Michael to the curb. I'm glad I didn't though. So this is what happened: 1st period and throughout the whole day was awesome. I was in a really good mood. I saw Michael almost every passing period, and PAYTON DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME TODAY! It was awesome. Then even after school was perfect. Michael, Dan, Cody and I we're hanging in my backyard and we we're all just hanging out and having fun. Then Cody and Dan had to pick on Michael. Which I knew was bothering him... The only reason I didn't say anything was that I think me sticking up for him annoys him now. I don't want to annoy him, so I didn't say anything. Then, my nephew came outside... He hit Michael with a tennis racket... And what pissed me off and ruined somewhat of my day was that Michael picked up Jr and pushed him. To me; you don't lay a hand on children or girls. Michael took off because I was so pissed I just couldn't look at him. He promised me something, that he wouldn't cut his wrists. Well, he broke that promise. That made it even worse. Now it's like I can't really trust him... THIS WAS A PINKY PROMISE. AND HE BROKE IT! But... I gave him a last chance. He lays a hand on me or my nephews, or cuts that guy is gone. He knows that. But after we solved that problem... We went to this place called "Hidden Park" and rolled in the grass, talked, and just laughed. I loved being with him. But I got into a fight with Cody. Man, that just pissed me off more but now I could careless. My life has nothing to do with his, he needs to get over himself. Anyhoo, I'm tired. I'm gonna get some sleep. That was my day, and overall; it was amazing.

May 18th, 2010.

Shitty day. Very shitty day. I don't know what took over me. That's a lie. I was full of depression and rage. I was just so pissed off today. It started when my mother kept yelling at me for no reason, and then it just went downhill. I started crying. Because, to be honest... I took ALL my anger out on Michael. I hate when I do that. I know that it makes him feel horrible. I know that it makes him feel like I don't love him or I don't care. The truth is none of that. The truth my fellow readers, is that I just can't and don't want to handle most of these things that are happening for us. Really, this girl Payton. She must feel special because that's all we talk about... But he doesn't know how much it crushes me when I just hear a symbol of her name come out of his mouth. It's like a knife cutting into me everytime. Just her in general, I can't take it. She follows me to the bathroom in school, flashs Michael when I'm around, and just calls me a whore behind my back and stuff to MY FRIENDS on the badminton team.... It's really to much stress for me. But the thing is, I want him. I want him badly and I don't want to give him up. I guess another reason I want him is so that she can't have him. Then I start to think I can't take her anymore, I start to think that I should just let her win this battle, that she's so much better then me, and that Michael would be so much happier because I'm just a raging bitch. I feel like I am at least, because I always take things out on him. *Sigh* After thinking that, I cry. I try to get him to let me go, and just to understand how much it kills me that she's doing all this.... But he doesn't let me go, he doesn't want to understand because he wants to keep me. -___- Why does he want to keep a fuckup like me? That's all I seem to do; mess things up. But after I cried.... and while I was crying... Michael comforted me. Back to the main point; shitty day. Clothes I wore to school was shitty, how I felt was shitty, the way I looked was shitty, and the way I acted was shitty. I can't do anything about today but try to put it in the past and stop acting like an idiot. I guess I'm going to get some sleep. I'll write another blog soon.... I hope.
"Do you ever get tired of being an idiot?" "No, it doesn't make me tired."

May 7th, 2010.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
I need to explain this. I was on facebook just looking arounda and I found this quote on my friend Nejra's profile.
Honestly, this quote is true and untrue. If you believe that love shouldn't exsist and does nothing but hurt you, then sure, hate love. But that's not what love does. I mean, look at Romeo and Juliet. (Wow, it's very cold in my room.) They sacrificed their lifes for eachother. My grandmother and grandfather got together when they were 14. They are now both dead, and never once broke up or cheated on each other. I'd like to say that's true love. The reason I'm not saying it is, is because I don't want to defend anyone who doesn't believe in it.
I, on the other end, believe in love very strongly. I also believe I am in love. I know I am in love. I hate when people say it sounds cliche or I don't know what I'm talking about. But the truth is, I seriously can't picture myself with anyone but Michael. Speaking of him... Today is our 7 month anniversary. :D How wonderful right? But it rained. /: But I like rain. :D! lol.
He's not here, but he said he would be later, thank god. I'm so cold. WTF?!
WHY IS IT SO EFFING COLD!?!?!?!?!
Other news, there's rumors going around about me, I hope I can handle that.
Anyhoo, just got really cold and feel like laying down, so that's what I'm going to do.
Might add another post later.

May 4th, 2010.

I'm getting things ready for tomorrow.
Still debating on shoes or sandles for tomorrow.
Shoes most likely.[:
Today has been alright. Just another day.
Now I know I said I'd tried to keep up to date but I've seriously been busy.
Plus, the charger to my laptop is completely dismembered and no longer works.
I use my desktop now. /:
Umm, a lot is going through my mind. For the bast few days I've been pretty mellow though.
Just going with the flow.
But hardly talking to Michael.
I need him though, I long for him, and I love him.
My friend Cody was telling me today that love doesn't exist.
I guess he just hasn't felt like love can truly be there, but in his mind there's no such thing.
He makes me think, but I know what I feel for Michael is obviously something.
Love or not, he's completely amazing.
Anyways, back to getting things ready for school. I want to get up early.
See ya.

April 29th, 2010.

I'm sitting in my "little house" with my boyfriend and my best friend.

Smoking a fake cigarette. It's funny, they think they're getting high. >.<

Looosers. :P

Anyhoo, the past two days have been... Dramatic.

A lot of suicide incidents and what not.

My boyfriend; Michael, just threw up.

It's funny 'cause they're probably faking it. -___-

But eh, not quite. Pretty stupid. Anyhoo, I just took a drag.

Back to the past couple days which were Tuesday to now, which is Thursday.

Tuesday, I was iffy, didn't really feel like talking to anyone.

So that goes for that day, and Wednesday... Well, that was yesterday.

And eh, wasn't that fun. There's this kid, named Mitch; we call him "MitchTheBitch."

Quite hilarious actually. But umm, yeah, that kid is a BITCH!

Really, he choked my friend Alyssa. Speaking of her, she yelled at me for no goddamn reason.

It sort of pissed me off, but I let it go. Now me, I'm not one for grudges.

Back to yesterday, was bogus... But somehow got closer to "Gangbanger Dan."

Ew.... In a way, he's sorta cool. But ew, just ew. :D

I mean, I had a sex dream about that guy but I totally immortally hate him for no reason.

Okay, I'm pretty high.... So I'm gonna go.

Fuck this shit.

laterrrs.

Ps: Gianna is coming.

April 26th, 2010.

I found today, horribly alright.

I mean, yes I told my boyfriend something that probably crushed him bad.

His friend Dan probably hates me too. /: I hate myself for that too. I've cried ever since he left, which was about two hours ago.

It's almost midnight and I need to go to sleep.

How can someone sleep when you know you hurt someone? I can't. /:

All I can do it is cry.

That's the horrible part of my day, the alright part is that school wasn't so bad.

Home wasn't so bad, and telling him that didn't turn out too bad.

As in "too bad" I thought he'd probably want nothing to do with me.

And, just leave me. But he didn't. He loves me.

I know he wouldn't hurt me. I can't believe I hurt him!

I can't believe I had to be so stupid and go and do that.

Now what I have left on my shoulders is hope... Hope that he doesn't think I'd cheat.

Hope that he doesn't cheat.

Hope that nothing tears this wonderful relationship up.

Because, honestly, I need him in my life. He's the one who cares, who has my heart.

Wow. He's just breathtaking.

Shoot me for hurting the one I love, please.

So... There's This Boy;

And his name is Michael. Nobody knows how much this kid means to me. If he hurts, I hurt. If he's happy, I'm happy. If he's sad, I'm sad. If he's mad, I'm mad. If he feels like he wants to destroy something, I feel like I want to destroy something. Everything that he feels, I feel. I've never been this attached to someone. So attached that just the second he leaves my side it's like a piece of my heart breaks because he's not there. Yet, I know he's going to be back. He makes me feel so much emotion in myself. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh, smile, and he gives me butterflies. He makes me feel loved, sexy, and sweet. He makes me feel like I'm someone special in his life, he makes me feel like I can accomplish anything my mind sets too. He makes me look at life in a better way actually, more happier with how things flow. He calms me down when I'm mad, or sad, or freaking out. He makes me cry, but in good ways. His smile lights up the room, the way he walks is to die for, the way he talks is like music to my ears. The way he looks at me makes me feel good inside, makes me feel like there's someone out there who loves me for me. His kisses make me feel like I can fly. His hugs are eternally amazing, because they make me feel safe. When I'm around him I feel like nothing bad is going to happen and the whole world stops when his lips tremble and meet mine. His hand held in mine is the perfect fit. He holds me when I cry. He kisses my forehead and tells me everything bad that's going on in my life will all be okay. He's sweet, and kind. He's funny like no other. He makes me feel invincible. When I fall asleep on his shoulder I know my I'll have no nightmares that night. They say Disney Land is the happiest place on earth, well they haven't been in his arms. When he holds me, I feel like I belong to someone. [I'm actually tearing while I write this...] He makes me feel beautiful, and full of confidence. *Tears* As my lips shake right now and my eyes turn blurry, I'd like to finally say... I'm utterly and uncontrollably in love with Michael RR. Minneci. I've NEVER been this attached before. The love we have for each other is so unreal and feels so good. Michael, if you're reading this, I'd like to you know everything I'm saying in this is completely true. I love you for you, and that will NEVER change. No matter how much we fight, or say hateful things to each other I will ALWAYS love you. I couldn't stand losing you, if I lost you... That means I lost everything I live for. You are my life, Michael. You are love. You are my everything. I love you, unconditionally.