Again, She Thinks.

As I sit here in the living room at 5 Am in the morning of no sleep, still thoughts go through my head. I've been sitting in my living room since midnight and all I've been doing is watching things on the tv that have to do with love. Makes me think how happy I am to have someone who loves me in my life. Yet, I feel like he deserves so much more. I feel like I can't handle it. I feel like I should just break it off and see what happens without him, would things go back to normal or would I date someone else? I don't want to date someone else, but I do just want to do this little experiment. Then I think, it could ruin everything I have with him. Even if he says he loves me so much and can't live without me. If I do that "experiment" would he go back with Payton? Would he find someone new? I want him, then I don't think I can do it. Wanna know why? Because I'm honestly terrified of love. That's the honest to God truth. I'm scared. I'm scared of getting hurt, I'm scared of getting attached, I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared of being A L O N E. I've gotten hurt before, and I'm pretty sure I can mend that on my own, but getting attached; it's new to me. I've never felt like this before. (If you read my previous blogs, you'd know. I'm not going into detail.) No matter how cliche or stupid it sounds, it's true. I am scared of losing him, it's like he's a drug. I just want more and more. Being alone? Ha, that's never new to me. But having someone who loves me for nine months in my whole life, feeling like I can't leave that person for anything... being alone scares the living shit out of me. Why? I can't answer that, I can't tell anyone else all these things but this blank page on my screen of my laptop. I can't show emotion to anyone else, but just plain paper. The sun is coming up and I'm wondering if my heart can take a break from him or not. My heart is starting to slowly break even though nothing bad is happening, and my mind has no idea why.