SodaPopAndMixedPopcorn,♥.

I bought a shitload of candy today. But I'll save that for when I go swimming tomorrow, if I go swimming tomorrow. It's 2:45 AM And I can't help but be awake. I have no idea why, but I think I'm gonna be up all night. I like being the only one awake in the house, it feels like I rule it! :P So, I had an interesting conversation with my sister. Just about life, I guess. Okay okay, that's not what's bugging me. What's bugging me that I can't tell Michael how I truly feel. I can put into words, and I can look into a mirror, I can spill my heart about him to anyone else but him. The words just will not come out. I need someone to read how much I am in love with his boy. And this is a conversation I had with my friend Sky.
Me: I just feel like all I do is mess things up. He lies about the littlest things. And that's what pisses me off the most. But I seriously can't lose him I love him so much. It's just... Payton is starting her shit again Sky. You know I can't handle that, you know if she starts a war, I'll lose. I know it I just know it. :l Skylar, he means EVERYTHING to me. He doesn't think he's perfect for me. I however think he is. All he does wrong is pull my hair. And he's not very polite. But that's okay. the only thing I don't want to do is hurt him, thats the last thing I want to do. -__- But, I don't want to him to be worried about me and my cutting. It's nothing he should worry about because I promised not to do anything, and I won't. But he already realized that I'm acting different. He does mean the world to me. He is absolutely perfect. I just don't want to deal with Payton, I can't take it. She's calling him again. And me.
I also wonder if he's cheating... I hate thinking this, but I can't fucking help it.
Oh,and my happy pills...they don't work. My depression medication, doesn't work. I'm trying so hard to be happy, and to keep him happy. I can't do it.
Sky: You'll be okay, you just need to trust him Julz. And you can take it. I know you're probably sick of it, but you can take whatever people throw at you. I know you can.
Me: I can't make him happy Sky, I can't. Why can't I?! I try so hard, I really do and it seems like everything I do is wrong. All I do is fuck things up. I mean, I don't mean to yell at him, and I don't mean to act the way I do towards him because I know it's wrong. But I don't know how to show love, I don't know how to open up to him because I don't think he'll listen. I don't think he would even want to bother listening to what I have to say. He just doesn't understand how bad I need to cut. He won't understand because he won't listen. He'll just make me stop, and I can't. I long for the silver blade, just one last cut. I can't though, I promised. And I'm dedicated to that. I want to tell him everything, how I feel and how I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the words can never come out of my mouth. Maybe I should just get out of his life and let him find a better girlfriend. That's what he needs. Someone who isn't as worthless as me.
Sky: Julz, you aren't wortheless. I fell in love with you in spite of site, and he probably did too. How did you fall in love with him?
Me: That's all you have to ask? How I fell in love with him?! Really, after I typed all that?! Fine. I'll tell you. I fell in love with him with the first words he has ever said to me. "Can I sit next to you?" The look in his eyes, the way he smiled, the way he stuttered when he said it. The way I he walked back to the table. The way he layed his hand on my lap.... That's how. I just, I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him at first site. Not highschool I love you, I love you too game. Real love. I can't date anyone else, I can't look at anyone else like I look at him.
Haha, at Homecoming he kept staring at me and all I wanted to do was be like "Stop staring at me and just kiss me already." It was just... connection the first time he touched my hand I had chills down my spine. He is love.
Sky: If he is love then you shouldn't have to worry about if he's cheating. You shouldn't have to think that you're not good enough because clearly, you love him so much in your mind you can't get him out. You just need to talk to him, and I know it's hard for you. But what do you really feel about him?
Me: Good question, long answer. Lots of reading. He is the most amazing, adorable, lovable, sweetest guy I have ever met. He makes me so happy. He makes me beautiful, and loved. He makes me feel like I belong somewhere and to someone. He makes me feel safe when he holds me, he makes me feel like I can get through anything by the touch of his hand. Because holding his hand is like touching his soul. Two souls combined can get you through anything. And he has got me through every bad thing that happened this year. My grandma died, she was my idol... He held me at lunch while I cried. He makes me feel like I can achieve anything I set my mind to. He's the only one who cares, really. He's the only one who doesn't take me for granted. He's the only one who I can speak my thoughts too. Just not the ones about him. He's the only one I can cry in front of unless it's my mom. He's the only one who calms me down. He's the one who makes me feel like I can fly when he kisses me, the one who makes my heart beat fast when he tells me he loves me, the one who sends chills down my whole body when just his index finger touches me. The one who knows my body more than I do. The one who I feel comfortable around. And the one where I can just be myself with no judgement. He is all that I want and need. He is all I dream about. I've written more poems about him the matter of three months then I could write in a year. He's all think about, night and day. All night, I just wish he would be the person laying next to me. He's the face I want to wake up to every morning but can't because he's not allowed to sleep over. He's the person who I just want to keep forever... He's the only person I have ever felt this much love and passion for in my whole life. I am head over heels for this boy.
This kid named Avery kissed me one day, and do you know what I felt? NOTHING. Because only I can feel something when I kiss Michael. I can't feel that with anyone else, I'm taken. And I truly do love this boy with all my heart.
Sky: Aw, Julz honey, are you going to be okay?
Me: Maybe, possibly. Wanna know something?
Sky: What's that?
Me: I'm proud to call him my boyfriend.
Sky: Why's that?
Me: Because he's my golden Willy Wonka ticket. My pink pearl. My four leaf clover, he's my miracle. He's mine and I'm proud of it.
He's my beautiful angel. If god exists then he's the evidence. I dont even deserve his beauty.
Sky: Why are your words so heartbreaking and breathless?
Me: I have no idea.[: Is it bad? I mean, I even thanked God for him. I've thanked God because I have him and he's perfect and I love him so much. He doesn't know this but I bless him every night. Pray that nothing bad happens while he's sleeping or nothing bad happens to him the next day. Skylar never answered back to that, but I'm glad I got most of it out. But lastly, I'd like to say... Michael if you're reading this; (Other people should too, because I want to know what everyone thinks.) I've never felt this way with anyone else, and I'm glad I can feel this way with you. Because of you, there's a reason for living, there's a chance to be happy, there's a beginning of something new. I never believed in love, but now I found a reason to believe, and it's you. It took a question, a look and a never ending conversation to start forever. I thank you for everything you've told me, and everything you promised. Without you here, I honestly would be nothing. You're the only person who has made me smile in the past year, and the only one to convince me there's such thing as happiness. You may be 2 years older than me and graduate sooner where I won't be able to see you as often, but that doesn't stop me from loving you. I get distracted whenever we talk, I ignore everything surrounding me. You've never left mind, ever since September Twenty Second Two Thousand and Nine. I can't lie, I feel like you're the right one for me. I never thought having a relationship could feel this good. You're perfect, you're beyond everything and more, even if you disagree, you honestly are.. I promise you. I don't want to lose you anytime soon, cos I don't know where I'd be without you. When we started talking, it was a bad time for me.. but you really did change that. I went through a lot and I was never able to think that there was such thing as being happy, and it was a miracle that you came into my life. Now I can believe there's happiness, I can believe there's love in this world, I can believe I have you, and that's all I'll ever need. This may seem cheesy to you, and a little over the top, but I just wanted to express my feelings. Whenever I think
of you, I have that feeling where I just want to cry. It's not from being sad, it's from you giving me a chance to realize what I have at this moment, and that I should enjoy life.. with you in it. I love being in your arms. I feel safe, I feel guarded, all my fears fade away. We can talk for hours without having a dull moment, and that makes me smile. If you haven't noticed yet, I get really darn happy when I'm with you. I giggle uncontrollably, I talk a bunch, I keep smiling until my jaw aches. There's not a day that goes by, without me thinking about you. Thoughts travel through my head daily, and it's all about you. Your face, your smile, your voice, your eyes, your amazing personality. I'll never get over this feeling, no matter what. Without a doubt, you're what I've been looking for. I never thought that we'd
end up together, or even becoming friends, but I'm glad we did. I'm afraid of bothering you, I'd hate to annoy you. But if I ever do, let me know. You're my beautiful miracle, my one and only, my rescue, my favorite boy, my forever and always. I care about you a lot, and I'd never want to see you get hurt. Even though you've had a lot of bike accidents, I hope that doesn't happen near the future! You told me I'll get to have you as long as I want, until the day I'm done.. but I'll never be done with you, I'll always want to be with you. Where ever I'm at, where ever I'll go, you'll forever be in my heart. You're my weakness, but you give me strength. I need you like the blood in my veins. Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was my choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.