May 19th, 2010.

Today I felt positive. Like nothing wrong could go wrong, but something did. Just one thing and I almost let this one thing get the best of me and kick Michael to the curb. I'm glad I didn't though. So this is what happened: 1st period and throughout the whole day was awesome. I was in a really good mood. I saw Michael almost every passing period, and PAYTON DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME TODAY! It was awesome. Then even after school was perfect. Michael, Dan, Cody and I we're hanging in my backyard and we we're all just hanging out and having fun. Then Cody and Dan had to pick on Michael. Which I knew was bothering him... The only reason I didn't say anything was that I think me sticking up for him annoys him now. I don't want to annoy him, so I didn't say anything. Then, my nephew came outside... He hit Michael with a tennis racket... And what pissed me off and ruined somewhat of my day was that Michael picked up Jr and pushed him. To me; you don't lay a hand on children or girls. Michael took off because I was so pissed I just couldn't look at him. He promised me something, that he wouldn't cut his wrists. Well, he broke that promise. That made it even worse. Now it's like I can't really trust him... THIS WAS A PINKY PROMISE. AND HE BROKE IT! But... I gave him a last chance. He lays a hand on me or my nephews, or cuts that guy is gone. He knows that. But after we solved that problem... We went to this place called "Hidden Park" and rolled in the grass, talked, and just laughed. I loved being with him. But I got into a fight with Cody. Man, that just pissed me off more but now I could careless. My life has nothing to do with his, he needs to get over himself. Anyhoo, I'm tired. I'm gonna get some sleep. That was my day, and overall; it was amazing.

May 18th, 2010.

Shitty day. Very shitty day. I don't know what took over me. That's a lie. I was full of depression and rage. I was just so pissed off today. It started when my mother kept yelling at me for no reason, and then it just went downhill. I started crying. Because, to be honest... I took ALL my anger out on Michael. I hate when I do that. I know that it makes him feel horrible. I know that it makes him feel like I don't love him or I don't care. The truth is none of that. The truth my fellow readers, is that I just can't and don't want to handle most of these things that are happening for us. Really, this girl Payton. She must feel special because that's all we talk about... But he doesn't know how much it crushes me when I just hear a symbol of her name come out of his mouth. It's like a knife cutting into me everytime. Just her in general, I can't take it. She follows me to the bathroom in school, flashs Michael when I'm around, and just calls me a whore behind my back and stuff to MY FRIENDS on the badminton team.... It's really to much stress for me. But the thing is, I want him. I want him badly and I don't want to give him up. I guess another reason I want him is so that she can't have him. Then I start to think I can't take her anymore, I start to think that I should just let her win this battle, that she's so much better then me, and that Michael would be so much happier because I'm just a raging bitch. I feel like I am at least, because I always take things out on him. *Sigh* After thinking that, I cry. I try to get him to let me go, and just to understand how much it kills me that she's doing all this.... But he doesn't let me go, he doesn't want to understand because he wants to keep me. -___- Why does he want to keep a fuckup like me? That's all I seem to do; mess things up. But after I cried.... and while I was crying... Michael comforted me. Back to the main point; shitty day. Clothes I wore to school was shitty, how I felt was shitty, the way I looked was shitty, and the way I acted was shitty. I can't do anything about today but try to put it in the past and stop acting like an idiot. I guess I'm going to get some sleep. I'll write another blog soon.... I hope.
"Do you ever get tired of being an idiot?" "No, it doesn't make me tired."

May 7th, 2010.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
I need to explain this. I was on facebook just looking arounda and I found this quote on my friend Nejra's profile.
Honestly, this quote is true and untrue. If you believe that love shouldn't exsist and does nothing but hurt you, then sure, hate love. But that's not what love does. I mean, look at Romeo and Juliet. (Wow, it's very cold in my room.) They sacrificed their lifes for eachother. My grandmother and grandfather got together when they were 14. They are now both dead, and never once broke up or cheated on each other. I'd like to say that's true love. The reason I'm not saying it is, is because I don't want to defend anyone who doesn't believe in it.
I, on the other end, believe in love very strongly. I also believe I am in love. I know I am in love. I hate when people say it sounds cliche or I don't know what I'm talking about. But the truth is, I seriously can't picture myself with anyone but Michael. Speaking of him... Today is our 7 month anniversary. :D How wonderful right? But it rained. /: But I like rain. :D! lol.
He's not here, but he said he would be later, thank god. I'm so cold. WTF?!
WHY IS IT SO EFFING COLD!?!?!?!?!
Other news, there's rumors going around about me, I hope I can handle that.
Anyhoo, just got really cold and feel like laying down, so that's what I'm going to do.
Might add another post later.

May 4th, 2010.

I'm getting things ready for tomorrow.
Still debating on shoes or sandles for tomorrow.
Shoes most likely.[:
Today has been alright. Just another day.
Now I know I said I'd tried to keep up to date but I've seriously been busy.
Plus, the charger to my laptop is completely dismembered and no longer works.
I use my desktop now. /:
Umm, a lot is going through my mind. For the bast few days I've been pretty mellow though.
Just going with the flow.
But hardly talking to Michael.
I need him though, I long for him, and I love him.
My friend Cody was telling me today that love doesn't exist.
I guess he just hasn't felt like love can truly be there, but in his mind there's no such thing.
He makes me think, but I know what I feel for Michael is obviously something.
Love or not, he's completely amazing.
Anyways, back to getting things ready for school. I want to get up early.
See ya.